i am alive and i am bored. when i cut myself shaving i pause and watch the blood drip. i don’t cry anymore. i watch myself in a mirror but i don’t know what i look like. i sleep in an expensive dress. i wake up with my nails pressed into my palms. in the morning i drink coffee. in the afternoon i drink coffee. after dinner i drink coffee. at night i think of you. i have almost forgotten the way you whispered you loved me when you fucked me the last time i ever saw you. i can’t forget the way my headlights smashed out when i crashed the car with you in the passenger seat. i lay in bed in the morning and i remember that i still exist. when it snows i can’t walk too close to the edge of the sidewalk. when i get on a bus i want to say i’m sorry i almost splattered myself across your front window that day. i’m sorry. despite all my best efforts i realize that someday someone is going to know me. i drip candle wax down my stomach and i peel it off. i think about you somewhere halfway across the world. you’re dreaming and i’m dreaming and i want to ask you to dream me a dream where nothing dies. i want to ask you, “am i real?” you are awake and i don’t know if i know how love feels. it’s raining outside and my front door squeaks when i open it. i am alive and i am full of joy.
my sheets are in the laundry f y i